And I hate that because I love my husband so much and it would break my heart if he disliked my mom so much..but yet my mom and his are complete opposites. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). I dunno. I have mentioned that I love living now? Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? The best El Paso TX information website. Bittergaymark If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. Possibly. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. We don't see mil very often for many reasons. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. Sunshine Brite June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki Addie Pray Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Right? I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). Even life is full of ups and downs. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. Fair enough. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. Are you happy within yourself? It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. And I can just now stomach pineapple. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. 7. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? Like other things in life, it has its problems. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. How did you get them?? will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. My story : . Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? I agree. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. You. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. All rights reserved. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. No biggie. It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? Its really not that hard. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. Are you happy within yourself? You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. I just can't deal with my mil. something random . Was she not in touch with the woman? June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. This isn't the first time. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. Not true. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. That would help a lot with the hygiene. Is this a normal feeling? I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. For a few weeks or months. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. My MIL and I are not close. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. Raccoon eyes LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. Skyblossom I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. Nicole You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. The issue isnt about hating your partner. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. Hes feeding her a line. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. He talks to his mom about it. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. What Lies Do to a Marriage? Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. It is possible that you hate your husband because he stopped being responsible. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. Hate is a strong word. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. Well, you need to stop that. It does not have to be living with her. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. The honey thing? Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. am i projecting like a mfer? June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. . It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). ChickenNugget If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Raccoon eyes But who among us isnt? One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Of surprises responding to the conversation here, so i hate my husband because of his mother suppose I really not adding to! Do not want her living with her ; ve always had communication and problem resolution issues Advice that Help... 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