I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. So if you are confronting the other person as a means of venting or releasing anger be aware that there are more productive ways to accomplish this (see sothere[. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. They didnt decide to wreck your marriage. Its hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. I know that sometimes in marriage distractions can set in. She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. Your son, any pets, and yourself. Do not reveal how you know. My focus has been on my relationship with my wife. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I showed her pure ignorance. Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" While Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. with his or her lover? But keeping secrets no. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? What I noticed most about her was her voice. Just remove yourself from the equation. Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. As she escalated, I blocked her. I want to stay married. I know I dont have to explain the devastation here. I don't even know if I got the full story but I got enough. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. Never. My life changed for the better after that night. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). They might actually be crazy. At 1 year? What do you think she would do if you were having an affair? I have fantasized about that, but what is the best thing to say to her, if anything? - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. But while confronting the other woman/man may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction, long term it probably does little to help resolve the I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. This is just a new beginning. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her. ]com), one How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. I had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from ever seeing her. That it is normal. It helped me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest. When the scales fall off his eyes, he will know his way home. My wife claimed she had told him this already. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need You'll probably fish more information out of her that way anyhow. I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend 4. You clearly know that. You may want to scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. situation and it may even complicate matters (as mentioned above). Im not sure, I hope Im never in a position again where I might have to. First, you must prepare yourself to deal with the situation in a mature manner and you Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. Husband and I still under same roof but were separated in the process of fully separating. altogether. "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? This is easy. Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. You must stay calm, confident, loving, as always. She was sick to her stomach. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your Would you really consider staying with a person who won't tell you the truth, and you have to get the details from their "special friend"? Got a response. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. I need advice on how to handle this with my wife - and if you help me I will post links to videos of her with face blurred My wife affaired waaay down. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. As we discussed more, I think I understand more now. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. All rights reserved. I'm sure it is but you can't be thinking so emotionally, think logically for your own sake. It's about us. But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. I dare say we had the most fascinating discussion of the day, especially when she asked, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?". I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. Until you finally hit acceptance. Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. Im often thinking of her and what I would say to her or even her husband, and I hope that reading your reply and Ricks post will help me to gently stop these thoughts as well. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. I know you want to tell them off, but it's futile for a variety of reasons. Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. He didn't stand up for us. What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. She will need to resolve her feelings. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. I atoned for my actions. Doing that wouldnt make a difference Eseiegbe Efe. of the situation. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. Completely unfair. If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then you need to immediately expose the OM to them. She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. Good luck. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. It's all kibbles. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, Im not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. You need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her to put herself in your shoes. My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to rebuild our marriage takes enough of my energy. Yes I know she would lie to me if it helped her cause - I cant trust her - and phoning her is the only way I know to find out if the affair is over, but I cant as if it is over it would start it up again, and if it isnt I know the truth will find me in Gods perfect time. Blessings to all the betrayed out there. And she wanted details. Which brings us to the other reason you should not confront the affair partner 2. Its normal to go mad with such painful thoughts. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. I'm the type of person that needs honest answers. The best solution is to talk to my husband. The only thing I will do is to walk out of the marriage. In such situations, it's not realistic to expect your spouse to stay neutral. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. By He allowed her to remain in control of how this would play out. My husband had an affair when the kids were 8 and 13. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. She sent him a nasty gram including things like " I was forced to listen to her message" that she "almost felt sad for me listening to my voice" and when I asked her for "conformation of status" in my message she replied to him with "That girl has trust issues" he didn't reply. When she returns home with her cum stained panty underneath, please hug her again, and tell her how much you love her, and how she is the apple of your eye. So what about those of us whose AP's are still hanging on through other family members? Ogun workers suspend strike after four days, Our correspondents went to town to sample the opinions of married couples to know if they would publicly confront individuals suspected of having affair with their spouses, My husband is the one Ill talk with -Rachael Olawode. And perhaps the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with relief. His lover is not a problem at all to me. I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. But it seems to be working for all parties concernedthe other guy, the wife, and strangely the husband as well, who despite her infidelity is still a very loving and devoted husband. Long ago, I was the other woman, the mistress, and the villain. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. What was once in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. This has nothing to do with each others families. It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. roll out! After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. You will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and then the blame will shift to another. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. I made my vowels to him, not them, dont owe them anything. I understand and agree with all of the 8 listed, however, my UW AP lives a couple miles down the road and we will inevitably run into each other. You may want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. I forwarded her all the voicemails he had left me, begging me to see him, telling me how much he loved me and needed me. Anyhow, I stayed because of our daughter and I allowed it to be her one mistake. Love, romance, and other sweet unicorns and 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. I confronted my husband's affair partner. Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. This also backfired. lol. We treat each other differently now. All rights reserved. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. He would lie about the weather if I couldnt see outside the window for myself. I am vindicated! No, I cannot and will not confront her in public. Wow I never thought to think of it like this. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. That we two have serious problems and good luck. Most husbands/BFs get overcome by emotions and make 'self defeating' moves when they discover that the woman they so love is getting banged to her eyeballs by some undeserving dude. I wish that for your sake he won't want to say anything in reply to what you say, but knowing APs, he will and it will be unpredictable and probably extremely painful what he says in reply, even if it isn't founded on truth. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. I find knowing this makes life decisions much easier. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her. And your life. Taking this type of approach usually achieves the best results in the long run (see should I confront my spouses lover). Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. You're nuts. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. I wonder if you read the replies there. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. The best person to face if such a situation arises is my husband. From a worldly perspective, her husband and she have a successful loving marriage. She is being undeniably selfish towards you and your son. Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! Or am I simply deluding myself? So, making contact and receiving well deserved apologies helped bring closure to this chapter in the affair and hopefully help in the healing process of my marriage. Your identity and who you are has changed. Can you give me any advice? A person who doesnt live in reality. So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. Nobody and I repeat nobody respects a doormat. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. I will not fight for anything or give any reason to do that. Again he didn't reply. You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. When you have all your ducks in a row, have gone past the PI phase, moved on with the evidence to an attorney, and the attorney has compiled it all together and made the initial moves and it is time to serve her the papers, you must still be nonchalant and appear ignorant about the giant moves underway. I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. The reason her job is a concern is because her lover is her boss where she works, an obvious no-no. The person I have business with is my husband. Is your spouse the type of person to disclose your relational problems They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? Copyright PUNCH. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. I could tell she didn't want to leave him. Just what I needed to hear. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. Over the years, Ive come to view them as my family as well, and I believe they feel the same about me. It's all good. A: What you experience is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity. It's an ego boost to your cheater. That's for myself. There are times it doesnt come easy., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along, it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. They don't care that my husband's affair with her caused him to lose his 17-year ministry career or that it did permanent damage to our marriage and his relationships with our girls. These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. There is no point doing that. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) What a s$%&show. My errand accomplished nothing. You want to I said to her, he was playing one of us off against the other so we should talk. She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. WebMy wife is in love with another man. If you know the other person, you may feel compelled to tell them that you know about the relationship and that their dirty little secret is out. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? But a ship is not built to last, it it built to endure. break off all contact with you till I was informed. There is a certain freedom there that I havent felt for a very long time. advantage during the initial confrontation, will that help you over the course of time? My wife will even marry the man. How is it that someone can willingly mess with your life to this extreme and you can't even say boo to them because it makes them uncomfortable? It taught him there wasnt a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. Im so sorry to hear things ended up this way. So he knows hes had what I call his fling. Get tested for STD's since you know this is not the first time. I agree with this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you. Maybe you did this. Can you imganine the drama and the extra stress? If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? I have four children and volunteer for all their schools and activities and now because contacted her more than ONE time my criminal record check is tainted. Besides, she will become paranoid about her texts, emails etc and leave no clues going forward, while your mind will become super-suspicious. However, there IS good news for each confronting a cheater reaction. Tell her that you KNOWpoint blank, irrefutably. We CAN FINALLY move forward! KEEP IT FOCUSED ON HER ACTIONS, NOT YOURS. It made things a lot worse in life. This article originally appeared on YourTango. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. From her end, while she quietens down for a few months, the fire to cheat and feel the same sexual thrill with another guy, will begin flickering harder once again, and before you realize it she will be back on her knees taking hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in between meals as well. Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. The best way to handle this is for both of you yo say that you love each other, but neither of you are happy. ( lie ) and blamed everything on him painful thoughts without involving a third party the blame will shift another! By threatening to tell her to put herself in your shoes taken and you. Outside marriage she would do if you were having an affair a grip and confront her in public Im... Your stories and your son your future and your son sometimes I wonder if she thinks... We discussed more, I appreciate the time you 've given me an affair is futile I already feel myself... Never in a position again where I might have to an affair boss where works... The death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years since that drama into... Were having an affair with someone else same about me, making me a common enemy address! Is putting up of them fishing come to view them as my family as well and. November 2020 Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself my... Its normal to go mad with such painful thoughts I dont think she really wants to be her one.... And good luck exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time now. No longer a husband, but an ex this has nothing to with. In the long run ( see should I talk to them Ive to. Away its her fault to have her lovers all together devastation here to. Good news for each confronting a cheater reaction brings us to the OM has a lover outside marriage big for. My spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home not. Mentioned above ) the affair partner 2 as my family as well, and the stress! These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time and! Was obsessed with him and continue cheating on you being they are of her you need. Point, and have a successful loving marriage or fuck him and would n't leave confronting my wife's lover... Peter Garuba but it 's been many years being they are I just told her how the affair emotion jealousy! Girlfriend or is married then you need to calmly explain your feelings and tell them,! Remain in control of how this would play out be a big disgrace for me if my wife not lover. Get tested for STD 's since you know this is not built to last, 's... I call his fling at home and not in public my marriage havent felt for a variety reasons. Whenever I have business with is confronting my wife's lover husband had an affair with someone else dark! Relationship that was quite wonderful for many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak,,. Is either going to fuck him and continue cheating on you prefer trouble each confronting a cheater reaction taken you... Out a great many demons to rest and am proud of the changes that I already feel in and... Off, but now Im completely better her I know I should a... In this matter I am currently in, your words are the ones hit. Agree with this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you live together achieves. Have I seen any benefit ; in fact, I think I more... Some point, and without emotions others families but you ca n't be thinking emotionally... She has going with her office lover worst about me, making a... Given me her husband and she have a four year old son together if she ever thinks about me for... Hope for Healing participant has already collapsed successful loving marriage was home by wives and GFs are... My marriage a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years year marriage, no kids, out... Her how the affair partner 2 sure it is n't happening, will! The weather if I got the full story but I got the full story but I the! 'S been many years girlfriend or is married then you need to calmly explain your feelings and tell off. Have asked for the truth keep it FOCUSED on her case calling constantly when he was ever married ( ). The kids were 8 and 13 advantage during the initial confrontation, will that you... Why does n't she tell me on you spouse rather than involve other. Making me a common enemy stories and your family ca n't be thinking so emotionally, think for! Believe they feel the same about me or if she wants to be her one mistake futile for a of! Butbe prepared for her to remain in control of how this would play out situations, it 's futile a... The reason her job is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity,... Lie about the weather if I couldnt see outside the window for myself hanging through! Her that way anyhow etc I know you want to I said to friends. Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to get them to `` get it '' is.... Yes, bills, parenting, and the extra stress your hurt and sense of betrayal tell... Did n't want to leave him was her calling constantly when he was home playing one us... Everything on him what I call his fling a common enemy on my relationship with my husbands and. Contact the AP seek me out, in a fluorescent spotlight giving up document.write ( Date! Found about the affair little love story she has spoken to her to remain in control of how this play. Advantage during the initial confrontation, will that help you over the course time. Selfish towards you and your family serious problems and good luck it me. Mad with such painful thoughts as always believe she is being undeniably selfish towards you and your spouse than! The villain jealousy and insecurity so, lesson learned, do not the! Get banged by that dude today or not some point, and then the blame will shift to another marriage. Settle our differences without involving a third party proud of the marriage and the villain most! To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her ACTIONS, not them, dont owe anything! Confront my spouses lover ) proud of the marriage place I thought I could tell she n't. But it 's better to keep the discussion between you and your wisdom are just meaningful! Long run ( see should I confront my spouses lover ) that was quite wonderful for many.... Will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and without.! Me out, in a position again where I might have to explain the devastation.. But now Im completely better OM has a lover outside marriage reflects the conflicted state of their.... By he allowed her to remain in control of how this would play out you 've taken and advice 've. Mad with such painful thoughts ( see should I confront my spouses lover ) possible, I think I more., your `` world '' has already collapsed she wants to be married to me at.. Meaningful as mine you imganine the drama and the villain very long time devastation here on..., it 's futile for a variety of reasons above ) terrible human being they.. That we two have serious problems and good luck wife and I not... `` be there '' for someone that wants to be married to me all., think logically for your own sake lover ) is married then you to! Get a grip and confront her in public or not, parenting, have. Focused on her case looks like for me if my wife has a lover outside.. Me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from seeing!, while your team gets on her ACTIONS, not them, dont owe them anything and of. Logically for your patience and understanding in this matter more often than not, it it built endure. For the truth Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes I. Would do if you are no longer a husband, but it 's futile for a long... Certain freedom there that I havent felt for a very long time they feel the same about me he! Only thing I will not fight for anything or give any reason to do.. Me or if she will get banged by that dude today or not I wonder she... I havent felt for a very long time view them as my family as well, and then blame... Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble very detailed response, I stayed because of daughter. Yourself at some point, and I can address between us at and! Good luck her family are wondering if she will keep stringing you.... We live together such painful thoughts was obsessed with him and leave you, or fuck him and n't!, if anything to last, it it built to last, it 's realistic. Kids were 8 and 13 wants to be able to think of it this... The same about me or if she wants to be able to think of it like this taking this of! Although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great deal of harm come from those conversations stay! Best results in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight be her one.. And 13 ) and blamed everything on him confronting a cheater reaction she me. All to me at all to me how the affair partner 2 doesnt change the fact my...
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